Thursday, July 12, 2012

Squeaky

July 13, 2012 is the first anniversary of my Father's death.  News Report and tributes Obituary...  I am writing this and posting the day before.  I will be with Cecilia so it is not easy for me to write the blog on the tablet.  I made a deal with myself, that if Cecilia is having a good day I won't allow myself to not.  They are hoping to extubate her tomorrow(Friday the 13th, dads anniversary).  So if that would be the case, it means I probably could hold her.  That would be a day of rejoicing and not a day of mourning. I can't think of a better way to fill this void...  On the other hand, knowing her goals for tomorrow and the possibility of her not being ready yet, am I setting myself up for an emotional down spiral?    "Keep the faith" is all I can tell myself. 

              R. I. P.  Robert Ashworth Brown, aka "Squeaky"   8/31/1961- 7/13/2011

My father and I were not on good terms when he died.  It's something I can't change and so being filled with regrets is tough to reach acceptance.  I spend too much time dwelling on what if his death was not instant, and he died alone and afraid.  He is an angel watching over his grandbabies now.  That sentence is tough to say still a year later. 


One of his possessions I have is a camera.  He was so intrigued by this black bird.  He must have stalked it for hours to get the hundreds of pictures he had.  This one is my favorite shot.  There's a song that reminds me of my Dad called Blackbird by Alterbridge  (not a Beatles cover, its different).  My father struggled fighting the demons of drug and alcohol addiction and I know towards the end all he wanted was sobriety and to make up all of the bad times to his kids.  We ran out of time to see it through. But as the song says, "The cycle of suffering goes on, But memories of you stay strong.  Someday I too will fly and find you again"
Blackbird+lyrics on youtube       

I like to think he can hear me.  He knows that I love him.  One other possession I have is his journal.  He only wrote on one page, but it is something I read often to remind myself to talk to God.  " I feel grateful and Blessed that God lends his ear to my thoughts, feelings, wishes and voice.  I feel, without God, who really listens to me?  Only by God's will do others listen to me?  I should also listen to God because you should always listen to the ones you love...shouldn't you love everybody and listen to everybody?  I will practice my listening and love with God through out the day and pray out loud".  

I love you Aubrey and Rob, and we will get through today, tomorrow, and the next day.  Dad has brought us closer together.  And Nikki, I love you too.  You will always be a sister to me.  There was a song years ago that Dad tried to make all of his kids listen to over and over.  At the time I thought he just wanted me to love the song as much as he did.  I never payed attention to the lyrics until after he was gone.  Looking back, I think he was trying to use the song to open up to us.  So we could hear what he couldn't speak.   Hate Me- Blue October song+lyrics

To give a short update on Cecilia-- she has one of our favorite nurses today.  The most perfect one to help her wean sedation IMO.  I love how Katie does the "cares" on Cecilia, and she's very sweet to her.  They have been able to wean the vent settings twice, and her sedation successfully.  She wasn't too happy awake yesterday, so lost some progress with sedation weaning...but not the case today.  In order for her to get off the vent, she has to be awake(and stable awake) and not dependent on the machine.  When daddy saw her awake yesterday, all of her vitals were alarming on the monitor.  When she was awake for Rob and I, she seemed stable to me, but her nurse pointed out her blood pressure so she had to be sedated PRN and went to sleep again.  I'll keep the Faith and hope to have happy pictures to post over the weekend.  Current status on the chest tubes is 1 down (as of yesterday), 2 to go.