Friday, July 13, 2012

stable

I got to Cecilia today during nurse shift change.  Bobbie said she was such a good girl, she passed all of her vent tests, where they have her do the work with the vent on stand-by to kick in, in case she couldn't do it.  I can see the other side of this bridge that she is crossing, and it feels so good.


my little sleeping beauty

She woke up and we hung out for a good while until she was ready for a nap.  I wish I took more pictures, but I wanted to talk to her.


especially since the 5 I took , only 1(above) was not blurry.  This one is the 2nd best

She was so cute, staring at her tube, eyes getting big with confusion.  Hmmm, I'm pretty sure this thing wasn't there before, how did I grow this?  At least, that's what I imagine she was thinking...

During rounds, they break up topics of Cecilia's status over the last 24 hours, in subjects such as Cardiovascular, respiratory, neurologically, ect.  My eyes lit up when today there was an extra topic.  Jill  added: "Socially, I think Cecilia is overdue for some loven's with Mom.  I'd like to add holding time as a goal for this evening".   I wanted this so badly, and I was sure today was going to be amazing.  It meant a lot to me for her to know that instead of me asking ♥

I had to go to the family room during extubation.  Her cardiologist came in and said hello.  A few minutes later her nurse came to get me and said it was ok for me to come back in now.  Cecilia was noticeably struggling, but not too bad, and they said it would be a tough transition at first.  She was gagging a lot, and they were trying to suction her and help her stabilize.  I saw her heart pounding and I feared she was going to rip her sutures.  I quickly made the decision to get out of her room, and hoped she would be in a happier place by the time I came back.  I was overwhelmed with anxiety and assumed it was unnecessary to worry.  When I did return things had gotten worse.  They were in the process of changing her oxygen with a different pump, when a cardio called and said to abort, and re-intubate immediately.  Something about her gas levels, and her lung collapsing....I can't even really listen to them or understand them.  I don't know how to explain how I felt.  Just detached I guess.  I really wasn't prepared for this although I should have been, considering I was given the fair warning by doctors and another heart mom that re-intubation happens.  They had to go strong on sedation to re-intubate her, and so when I was allowed back in it hit me hard that my baby is setback where she was all those days ago.  I balled and everyone just looked at me with sad eyes knowing nothing they could or were saying was going to make me feel better.  Cecilia's new roommate was probably coming from the OR anytime now at this point, so I left to go grocery shopping since I would have to leave anyways.  I also went to Babies R Us and bought her a tutu dress that will fit by the time we get the OK (cant lift her arms for about 8 weeks so that would make it hard to put on her).  I threw away the receipt.  My dear Cecilia, you are gonna wear this dress in 2 months and be damn cute in it ♥   I can't wait.



The tube is back in the mouth now per my request.. her poor nose was sore and bloody.



She is stable again and that's all that matters really.  I am so thankful she is stable.  ♥