Saturday, October 20, 2012

Home: Take 3

Home Again!!   Cecilia looks great, o2 saturation's are great.   She did vomit her continuous feeds twice overnight, but I was able to feed her by mouth early morning which she tolerated well.  I am in relief that technically she is a candidate for the next surgery anytime, but if she can remain healthy and grow this will be the late November.  Please pray that I can keep her healthy and out of the hospital until then :(   If she gets sick again, I am also relieved that she could get healthy there and instead of being discharged, just have her stage 2 open heart surgery at that time.... so we can just get past this!!! 

Our home care nurse, Cindy, is amazing.  She brings the kids presents and they adore her so much.  Sophia cries every time she leaves.   We weighed Cecilia together and she is an unusual dip from yesterdays weight at the hospital :(  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!  Ugh, I can't keep being stressed out, if it is not one thing it is something else.  We agreed that Cecilia looks great, so hopefully it is just because the scale at the hospital is different than the one at home.  I am going to do my best not to worry about it today, and hope the number is up from 4.88 kg by tomorrow.  I am so desperate to keep her home and for things to go smooth. 

Our stay at the hospital was hard on me for the most part.  I always run into my social worker at perfect times since Cecilia's birth, so I am glad that I did again this stay, and had somebody I could talk to honestly and openly. Besides my ongoing intense fears and stress, there were things said to me by another that really hurt my feelings...It really helped me to be sympathized with on the matter, and hear from her that all of my feelings are valid.   She's been a great emotional support, even when I didn't need it, and I appreciate her so much for it. 

I love my Heart Mama's that I have connected with.  I wish that they did not live in different areas of the country.  One friend gave me a reminder that I needed so much ♥.   "It is so hard not to be negative when you know what can happen and how quickly things can go from good to bad. I just keep telling myself that I can't control what will happen to ****, but I have to enjoy every moment of being her mama, and she deserves a mom who isn't falling apart every time I look at her. Your negative feelings are justified, but just try to not let them take over your life...our lives are totally changed forever. "   Thank You so much.  There is things that I know I need to do to make it through.  And it is hard to get out of that way of thinking when you are sucked in.  I need to try to let go.  It is the only way I can enjoy the gift I have in my arms without falling apart.  That is so true.

sleeping through all the noise like a pro today ;)