Tuesday, May 6, 2014

When my babies hurt

When my babies hurt, an uninviting warmth spreads over me that I can feel in my blood, my face, and my hands.  I want to help.  I want to rush.  Sometimes I panic.  Depending on the circumstances,  sometimes I'm angry. 
Today my baby hurt but she had no fight, not like I've seen before.  By her side, I saw her eyes were empty, and her spirit defeated.  Ghosted.  I grabbed her hand and she didn't squeeze tight like she normally would.  Cecilia isnt herself right now.  It's not because she isn't a fighter anymore.   I know she'll be back with a bang. 
Today my other babies hurt.  Far, far away at home, where I can't be.  I fell apart.  My babies hurt and I can't hold their hand.  I can't stick up for them the way I crave.  I just want to be there for them. 
I've only been gone for 9 days.  We got a bit to go, and I have to keep it together.  But when my babies hurt, I hurt.  Everytime.  Even when they don't respond. And especially when they do.