Surrounded by my Everthing
I had made a choice to convert this blog to a private setting in May because I wasn't sure that I wanted to share our journey anymore.
I am very honest and I own up that sometimes my personality can be too much. I knew it would be hard and possibly impossible to reserve on opening up once I start. When I begin to write it does take a lot of stress off me to release it so that's why I just so freely let it escape. However, being that open leaves you vulnerable and is allowing people that don't understand to judge.
This probably will seem silly to some, but it also really bothered me that the most viewed post (and by A LOT) is the one with all of the graphic pictures of my daughter Cecilia's neck. I tried to think of it in a twisted positive way, "well they got a link to my blog by googling central line infection, how cool"...but really deep down it just bothered me no matter what perspective I forced myself to look at it by. It's like the totaled car on the side of the highway that everyone slows down to try and witness all of the damage. Looky-Loo's who don't care at all about my baby, they're just wanting to see her wounds...
What's pulling me to leave it public is I know that sharing my experience already has helped some people to feel like they are not alone...to feel stronger that they can make it through their despairs, or courage to share what they are feeling inside too. That is my main purpose for sharing. As all of this is exactly the most important tool that has helped me through while I was living it. If I felt all alone and there wasn't a single soul in existence that cried the same tears and felt all of my emotions over the same reasons I know everything for me would have been much worse. Simply strength in numbers. They "held" my hand the entire time and reassured me that I was not the first to feel like that.
Some of my posts I can not change back to public yet because they were posted on mobile and are not posting back right. I hope to work it out soon.
Lastly there are some posts that I don't know if I will ever make public again! They are centered around intense anger emotions and I feel like posting in that way is not how I want to share our life. While within those posts there can be found my perspective and experience that can be useful to other heart families, there is certainly a better way for me to get my point across than by such ugly anger.
I'll attempt to start that "new version" of those experiences with why I love Children's Hospitals that have dedicated IV teams in a future post.